Acceptance & Understanding

This morning as I was wallowing in self pity, I started thinking. What if these trials we face are not just for ourselves, but also to teach those around us acceptance and understanding.

Fruits Baskets

A Fairytale for the Rejected

I love Anime a little, ok well a lot. Ever since I was young. I grew up watching Astro Boy, Dragon Ball, The Samurai Pizza Cats, and many more. But I found this series on Netflix and it struck something in me.

When high school student Tohru Honda's mother dies in a car accident, Tohru begins living in a tent and supporting herself. That is, until she finds a home in the least likely of places, inhabited by her classmate Yuki Sohma and his cousins Shigure and Kyo. The Sohmas however, live with a curse. Thirteen members of the family are possessed by spirits of the Chinese zodiac and turn into their zodiac animal when hugged by the opposite gender, are weak, or when under stress. When Tohru discovers the Sohmas' secret, she promises not to tell and is allowed to keep living with them. The Sohma's curse, however, is deeper and darker than Tohru realized, but her presence soon becomes a large, positive influence on those possessed by the zodiac. She sets out to break the curse, and on the way, meets and discovers each of the Sohma's vengeful zodiac spirits. Each has a different personality, just like the animals in the Chinese Zodiac. Tohru's existence changes the Sohma clan's lives forever...
From Wikipedia

I was able to relate to the characters in the story in a way I think most can’t. I have felt; I have been cursed with this secret that I have no control over. I did not choose this, but I have to deal with the shame and fear that comes with being transgender. The whole series deals with finding acceptance and understanding with both yourself and also with others. There are many inspirational quotes about acceptance and understanding…

[To Kyo Sohma]
If you think of someone's good qualities as the umeboshi in an onigiri, it's as if their qualities are stuck to their back! People around the world are like onigiri. Everyone has an umeboshi with a different shape and color and flavor. But because it's stuck on their back, they might not be able to see their umeboshi. "There's nothing special about me. I'm just white rice." [in her head] That's not true. There is an umeboshi -- on your back. [aloud] Maybe the reason people get jealous of each other, is because they can see so clearly the umeboshi on other people's backs. I can see them, too. I can see them perfectly. There's an amazing umeboshi on your back, Kyo-kun.
[To Kyo Sohma]
(referring to the letter for Kisa from the teacher) Here. It says to 'like yourself.' But good things about yourself... how are you supposed to find them? I only know things I hate about myself. 'Cause that's all I know, I hate myself. But even if you force yourself to find good things... it feels so empty. It doesn't work that way. People like your teacher just don't get it. I think... when you hear someone say they like you, for the first time... then you can begin to like yourself. I think when someone accepts you, for the first time... you feel like you can... forgive yourself a little. You can begin to face your fears... with courage.

I also feel one of the characters may be transgender. It is just a hunch, but it does not say anything directly. I found the show fun, inspirational, uplifting, and full of the typical Anime humour. You can watch the sheries on the Funimation website.

I left this reply on LDS.NET Transgender forum

A few days ago I left this reply on LDS.NET Transgender forum. We had been debating a number of things, one of which was whether it was wrong for a transgender to transition. Well I kind of lost my head a little until I took the time to step back, regroup and write what exactly I wanted to say. And this is the comment I left…

Thank you funky town, I did step back and you kind of hit a tender nerve with me.I am sensitive to this whole transgender thing. I have grown up as a transgender and gone through all the heartache of feeling out of place in my own body. There have been times when I have look at myself in the mirror and felt this overwhelming disgust with what I see. I have hated myself and loathed being in my own presence. I have been mistreated in school and in the church because I act different. People do not know that I am transgender, but they can see I am different in some way and they seem to think that gives them the right to treat me poorly.

When I found this forum I thought; great, I have found a place with people like me who have struggled like me. I saw this forum as a place to share stories and encourage others in their struggles. I read great stories from some of the authors on this forum as Perigon, Katie 77584, slamjet, Spartan117, and many others. They shared their ideas and I was encouraged and inspired by them. They helped me and I hope others who struggle, or those who do not understand. I then I started reading some of the responses, like the one I quoted, [I hate to say it, but I don't know why a transgendered person would want to join the LDS church, or a true hermaphodite for that matter. After all, the issue with transgendered is that their brains were wired differently, and no amount of therapy helps. For those who get the surgery, it's the only option other than suicide that helps. What those people need is real compassion, not judgment.] a lot of those statments made me feel like I was a sinner and the only way back was to simply stop feeling like this. Like I could just turn it off like a tap.
You asked; What if it won't make you happy? This is the very narrow minded and ignorant statement that I have been talking about. The stats contradict this statement you make, and even from the article you quoted in a previous post. Transgender Americans face high suicide risk- Health - Health care - More health news - msnbc.comstate that the suicide rate before surgery is 41%. And in two other articles.BBC NEWS | Health | Sex-change patients' opsuccess, Most Patients Who Have Male-To-Female Sex-Change Surgery Are Happy,Despite Complications, both state 88% art happy and in a follow up with 70 of the original 222, 80% where still happy. The stats say yes. I have read many accounts that say they are happier after surgery. SRS helps. I have also heard many say that even before surgery they feel better on hormone replacement therapy.

I would like to share a story of a friend, and this is what he said.
“I do not have gender identity dysphoria, but my daughter does. I raised her as my son for 19 years before she told me. She was the shining example in our ward, president of her priesthood quorums and fist assistant to the bishop. She attended an LDS Curriculum private high school and was active in the student body. I was looking forward to her attending a mission and raising my grandchildren.
“She first told me that she was attracted to other boys. My wife and I were devastated, but we made sure she knows that we loved her and that would never change. I was serving in a bishopric at the time so I got out my manual and tried to understand what the Lord had said about this. She quit coming to church, but has never lost her testimony.
“Then she told me that she was a girl trapped in a boy's body, but assured me that she didn't intend to actually do anything about it. (I think she thought this was what I wanted to hear.) A few months later, late one evening she came to me and said that she had just tried to hurt herself and that although she stopped she realized she needed professional help.
“I realized at that moment that I would rather have a transgender daughter who was healthy and happy, than a miserable son who was so tortured that he contemplated suicide. That evening I decided that if she needed to transition I would support her all the way.“

I would like you to take a few minutes to read the story of Alex Chrisholm - Riding the Gender Pendulum. He has an amazing story and he has been through hell and back. In spite of everything; his stake president supported him despite how he feels.  “With a heavy heart, I informed my local Church leaders of my decision. Fortunately, they cared a great deal for me and showed me nothing but love. In the end, I received well wishes from them all with a special commitment by the stake president that if I ever needed anything, he could be called day or night.”
This and the story of my friend is the kind of compassion I am talking about. This is compassion coming from our leaders who are setting the example for us.

Now speaking of myself; at around the age of ten or eleven my bottle had broken (that I kept my transgender feeling in) so to speak. I had spiralled into the darkest depth of my emotions. I hated myself for feeling this way. I felt so evil and there was nothing I could do to change it. I did not know how to deal with these feelings. I was so terrified to tell anyone for fear that I would be ladled a sinner for feeling this way and the only way to save myself was to STOP!!! But I did not know how. I loathed myself and wanted to die. As I sat all alone at home that night, I wallowed in the darkest dreary depth of despair. I went into the kitchen and took the biggest knife I could find and held it to my chest. I did not want to live like this any longer. And the saddest part of it all was my family would not have seen it coming. At the time I did not know what stayed my hand, but it was the darkest time in my life. I placed the knife back in the drawer and went to my room. I threw myself to my bed and howled bitter tears. I cried myself to sleep thinking; “I can’t do it, I can’t even kill myself. I would always be trapped in this wretched despondent existence I called life.” And my hatred for myself grew. I did not know what I had at the tome, but if I could not be a girl, I wanted to die. On so many occasions that I can not count; I would whish and pray that god would make me a normal happy boy.That is all I wanted to be, was to be happy as a male and feel comfortable in my own body.
So what do you tell someone who you love or care for deeply comes to you and says that they would rather die than endure anymore of the emotional torment they feel? These feeling are not a lifestyle choice.These feeling are not a result of a bad diction; they come from birth. Who would choose that kind if persecution if they had the choice.
I am not going to transition; it is not the right choice for me. For the same reasons as Alex chose to retune to being male, and I fear that one day I will not be able to withstand.

Now I ask another question; what about Hermaphrodite (the proper term is Intersex)? Is it considered mutilating their genitals when they chose a sex?  Or if the parents chose the sex at birth of the Intersexed child, and the child identifies with the other sex? It is changing their physical body.
Also I want you to consider Androgen insensitivity. You take some one who is genetically male but is borne with complete Androgen insensitivity. They are born looking like a girl; they grow up believing and being happy as a girl. It isn’t until later in life when complications arise that they find out. What where they suppose to be; Boy or Girl?This is just two examples of the gray area around this whole gender thing, and the more you contemplate it the grayer it becomes. Many say that Intersex is another form of Transgender.
The lord does not judge us all as a whole. He does not hold everyone to the same standards. He judges us individually. In the address By Elder M. Russell Ballard: Suicide: Some Things We Know, and Some We Do Not he talks by the judgement of Christ.

When he does judge us, I feel he will take all things into consideration: our genetic and chemical makeup, our mental state, our intellectual capacity, the teachings we have received, the traditions of our fathers, our health, and so forth.
We learn in the scriptures that the blood of Christ will atone for the sins of men “who have died not knowing the will of God concerning them, or who have ignorantly sinned.” (Mosiah 3:11.)
I want you to learn about us transgendered people before you pass judgment whether it is right or wrong. Go to my Blog - All of Me: The Transgender Woman Inside and read about me, my experiences, and my beliefs. Then follow some of the other blogs that I follow. Transition may not be right for all, but maybe right for some. So I give you the same challenge. Consider what I have said here. A lot of what I say is not modern society talking; it comes from deep personal experience. I have been there in those bad experiences, I have done a lot of things I am not proud of, and I have attempted Suicide. I agree with most of what you are saying. I just don’t agree with how you are saying it. For that reason I have been preaching compassion.

Glenn Beck on Transgender Beating Video

I watched this Fox News Insider video on YouTube today and it made me sick. Then I found the Glenn Beck video, and I think Glenn said it all and there is not much more I can say.

Brain Function

A friend sent this to me and I wanted to make a post of it.  If you can read this you have a strong mind.

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Welcome to my life.

when I read this; I related to it compleatly.

I wrote this about two months ago. I was about ready to give up. I hated myself and wanted to die. So I decided to put my feelings to word and get them out of my head. This is what I wrote…
If I could somehow transform into a woman and become a mother I would do so in a heart beat. Even at the risk of condemning myself for eternity. I would at least have one lifetime with the experience of being a mother; Feeling all the joys, pains and sorrows both physical and mental. Being pregnant, giving birth and sharing that special bond only a mother and child can share. My hearts ache is a dull throb with each heart beat that caused my entire being to quake beneath my anguish. My soul howls bitter tears and I am rend between what I feel in my very core what was rightfully mine but denied, and trying to pleas my heavenly father by doing his will. I try my hardest not to curse God for what I have to go through, and fight myself when those feelings come and not entertain them. I have a hard time going to my father in prayer because of this resentment I feel.
I no longer feel this way; it was during one of those many dark times in my life. And during times like these I just want to retreat into a dark place and hide from the world. I become incredibly sad and just want to cry all my sadness out. I am miserable and I hate feeling this way. And I long for the better brighter days to come once again. I still feel those feeling bubble to the surface, but I try not to entertain them and just let them pass. I know I will eventually hit another dark time like that; where I will be overcome by these feeling, and I pray that I will have the strength not to let it become another dark time.

Every time I see this video it makes me cry.
I may not be gay, but the pain and heartache is the same. Being bullied and treated badly for acting different. There is no place in this world for such reckless hatred.

Over the past two years I have changed a great deal. I once would have done anything, and given anything to become a woman. It was the one and only thing that occupied my mind. Becoming a woman was all I desired. This desire or impulse to become a woman is just as strong if not stronger than an addiction. The difference; I did not choose this like an addict chooses to partake in a substance. I am borne with this and it will never go away. No amount of abstaining will lessen the want, there is nothing I can take that will feed the desire, and there is nothing I can do to make it go away. It is like being stuck in withdrawal forever with this uncontrolled passion my whole life. The only way out is Gender reassignment surgery, or death. I am not saying this is an addiction; I am simply using this to illustrate how strongly I feel. Now considering SRS and suicide are no options, then now I do not have many places to turn to. So I turned to the lord. After counselling with my therapist and a great deal of deep soul searching I found what I am suppose to do.
This has been an incredible journey of self discovery I would never give up. The road has been hard with many bumps and steep edges. Many times I have wanted to give up, and I know that many more times I will yet want to give up further along the way. It has been long hard and difficult, but this difficult path I have had to walk has made me the person I am today, and I would never give that up. I am proud of whom I have become, and I do not what to hide from that any more. I want to be able to talk freely about being transgender with anyone who is willing to listen.

Facebook kinda freaks me out.

Being a transgender person I have always been private. I have had to be in order to protect myself. I like to keep my personal life personal, and the beauty of this blog is that it is completely anonymous. It may come to no surprise that giantCplus is not my real name. But facebook is the exact opposite of that. You share what you are doing with all your friends to keep them informed. When, like me, you keep most of that secret and hidden from the world out of fear that they may find out you are different; it’s kinda hard.
So after several years of constant badgering from family, friends, and co-workers I decided to join facebook. Then I had a slight break down where I could not deal with people and just wanted to hide. When I got home from work, I did hide for about 8 hours or so. Every time I get an e-mail my cell phone chimes and in the past 24 hours after signing up for face book I got maybe around 50 e-mails from facebook of friend requests and acceptance of friend requests. With each e-mail my heart would race and I would break into a cold sweet. I have never felt so exposed.
I think I am over it now and as time passes I will warm up to facebook more. I know to some this may seem crazy, but for some one like me who is not use to sharing stuff about myself to people who know who I am is kind of difficult.

Can we make being transgender bearable?

I was lying in bed last night trying to fall asleep, and I was thinking about being transgender.  I was not feeling the impulse as strong as it can be, and I thought to myself, “This is not too bad, if it would stay this way I could be happy.”  That got me thinking even more; what if there was something I could do to keep it that way.  Maybe something I could take or a procedure that would take the GID away.  So then I thought the question, “If there were something you could take to make being Transgender bearable without transitioning, would you take it?”  That would mean giving up any hope of ever being female.

I have thought long and hard about this question many times over the years.  In the past I would have said no.  I wanted too much to be a girl, and a mother, and even on my bad days when the GID act up and I am overcome by the intense desire and want to be a woman I still would say no.  Now when I am not feeling the intense desire pulling at my heart stings, and I have made the decision to remain how my heavenly father intended me to be; I can say yes.  I would give anything to feel the peace and contentment about my gender continually as I did last night.  And it scares me that at any moment I can be over come by the want and be drawn down beep within the depths of despair, and the feeling that the only way to feel happy and complete is to become a woman. 

So I ask the question again, “If there were something you could take to make being Transgender bearable without transitioning, would you take it?”